2 May

From the people who brought us the extremely stupid Transformers, Battleship was already dead in the water (pun intended) in my books. Then I fell for the tweets that were hailing it as a good movie. I should have stayed away.

FYI, a battleship is a heavy warship with extensive armour protection and large-calibre guns. This film is based on a board game called Battleship.

*long pause…*

I know movies have been made based on video games before, but I don’t see enough material in a board game to produce a film inspired by it. Next thing we know they’ll be releasing a Farmville movie… *shudders*

So some idiots at NASA thought it was a brilliant idea to send out a random signal of invitation into space. To their complete obliviousness, the signal is answered by technologically advanced small fleet of alien ships. In true Hollywood style, these aliens can not only travel through space, create impenetrable force fields, have telekinetic powers and superior weaponry, but are conveniently handicapped by the ‘oh-so-bright’ sun, with a complete lack of common sense. So they get their butt kicked by a bunch of veterans, bad actors and a decommissioned battleship while leapfrogging over water with the US flag flying high.

Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) as the movies protagonist is a mix of depressingly bad acting and utter annoyance. Alexander Skarsgård as his brother Commander Stone Hopper seemed a lot more convincing and should have lived instead. Brooklyn Decker as Alex Hopper’s love interest Samantha Shane had the “daunting task” of looking confused and distressed most of the time while being the eye candy. The love/hate triangle created between her, Alex and Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson) was off-putting. Liam Neeson seemed to be there just for the pay check and snooze walks through his tiny role.

Taylor Kitsch as Alex Hopper and Brooklyn Decker as Samantha Shane

Rihanna as Petty Officer Cora ‘Weps’ Raikes was just there to add a headliner name to the poster. John Tui as Chief Petty Officer Walter ‘The Beast’ Lynch was the one-liner sidekick with not much else to do. Gregory D. Gadson as amputee Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales was believable until he goes hulk on some clueless aliens. Hamish Linklater as Cal Zapata was the squeamish nerd while Tadanobu Asano as Captain Yugi Nagata was the Japanese flavor in the film.

Alexander Skarsgard as Stone Hopper

I think it’s obvious by now how much I did not like this film. The characters are badly written, the screenplay is utterly pointless, the dialogues are terrible, the story makes no sense and there is nothing in the way of intelligence. But all is not lost. The CGI is brilliant and the action scenes are well choreographed. I especially like the usage of the bird’s eye view to show the standoff. The design team behind the look of the aliens and their ships did a commendable job. Also, the way the aliens differentiated between a hostile and a non-threatening situation was an interesting take on an alien invasion. Even with their plans of a full-fledged attack, they were never the aggressors in the one-on-one combat.

Rihanna as Raikes with Taylor Kitsch

After getting away with the rubbish that was the Transformers trilogy, maybe it was assumed that Battleship would face the same fate. Fortunately it did not and hopefully it’ll put an end to the idea of trying to sell a senseless paper-thin story with CGI awesomeness. *long pause* I know that’s not going to happen but a man can hope…


Rico McClinton as Captain Brownley with Brooklyn Decker


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